I love my family more than anything in the world. I really, truly do. But somehow, all of us – mom, dad, brother and I – ended up with polarizing political views. Literally opposite ends of the spectrum kind of politics. Usually, we manage our opinions by sticking to one simple rule: don’t talk about politics. In fact, we don’t really discuss politics, religion or any “hot button” issues. What usually happens when it gets brought up is a myriad of passive aggressive eye rolls and general “ugh, you just don’t understand” pouting. But we’re all mature now: we understand the consequences of bringing up politics in the home. We restrain ourselves from commenting on each other’s political Facebook statuses (or at least, with minimal controversial comments).
But the holidays are coming up. I’m headed home to spend hours upon hours in confined spaces with my beautiful, amazing, exasperating family. Not only that, with the election fresh in our minds, there is not a snowball’s chance in Obama’s America that politics won’t get brought up. Whether it’s a passing joke or a full out brawl, somehow it’s going to turn really uncomfortable, really quickly. So here is a guide to how to deal with the many political ideologies plaguing your otherwise pleasant consumption of turkey and peppermint bark:

 

The limousine liberal (me)

I couldn’t start this post without first identifying my own biases and how to deal with assholes like me: generally, mainstream liberals. Now I’m not an Obama fanatic, but I am a college educated, white, under-30 female who supports gay marriage, is pro-choice, and dabbles in vegetarianism when I see documentaries about chickens who are too fat to walk and are stuffed into those weird little cages. I am the person who celebrated election night, not just for the presidency, but for every progressive decision made from voting for Tammy Baldwin to voting against Todd Akin. And then I talked about it. For. Weeks.
To deal with relatives like me:
DO: say the election was a huge night, without going into too much detail; talk about how cool Nate Silver is; collectively rejoice that the election is over.
DON’T: be the devil’s advocate; talk about voter fraud, or any reason “why Romney really lost”; tell them you didn’t vote.

 

Off the grid entirely (my brother)

This is the person who didn’t vote because “democracy doesn’t exist.” If your relative is anything like my wonderful brother, he links to obscure, underground political blogs about the existential crisis of the nation (or really, “what is a nation?”). His political statues are so poetic, so deep, and so philosophical you find yourself at the end of them thinking “… how does that apply to reality at all?” His borderline anarchic view of an unattainably peaceful future has pushed his political views right off the grid.
To deal with that relative:
DO: talk about the ridiculousness of politics, pundits, and anything election-related; make surface-level jokes; find one anti-Obama point you commiserate with and just keep talking about that (drones is a good one).
DON’T: get them started on a rant; try to justify why voting is important; talk about your optimism or faith in the system.

 

The hard-core conservative (my dad)

My dad is genuinely the most wonderful man in the world… but his conspiracy theory-esque views on the future of America is both haunting and entirely nonsensical. This relative watches a lot of Fox News and then tells you that you’re not open minded to “the truth.” He started stocking up on guns out of fear that Obama will take them away, and he’ll explain to you how America has been going downhill since 2008. He’s convinced there’s a Muslim Brotherhood connection in the White House, global climate change is not real, and the federal government is tapping your phones.
To deal with that relative:
DO: make a pie; talk about how cold it is outside; really just avoid any topic that can set that person off, which is tricky, because that’s most things.
DON’T: poke the bear; make jokes about conspiracies; wear any Obama paraphernalia, for fear of coming off as gloating.

 

The blissfully disengaged (my mom)

My mom is the smartest person in my household, really. She’s an IT nerd and is clever in her own way. But when it comes to politics, this relative would just rather not know. Politics stresses her out, and she doesn’t see the need to debate—if you have your beliefs, stick to them, but don’t shove them in her face. In fact, don’t bring them up at all. This relative would rather talk about wine and the newest giggling baby videos. Sometimes it’s frustrating to talk to this relative, but at the end of the day, you’re sort of jealous that she can live in a state of active disengagement because she doesn’t have to fight with people over frivolous issues. But you’ll find yourself on holidays just trying to get a rouse, get a debate, or just get some understanding from this person, which can lead to you being totally rude, so:
DO: talk about what happened on Modern Family; gossip about your roommate; resist the urge to be an asshole.
DON’T: talk about politics; talk about politics; talk about politics.

Really, the best way to enjoy all of your holiday breaks with your family is just to enjoy the time you have with them. Don’t try to deflate the ego of your sister, or raise the optimism of your brother, or “drop some knowledge” on your dad, or show the light to your mom—that’s not how politics, and more importantly, family works. When you get past your family being assholes for their politics, you can focus on more important things: like your family being assholes because they’re assholes. Happy holidays!